I’m So Mad I’m Gonna…Backpedal

The parking lot at our store is typical of pretty much anywhere here in Stripmall City: tiny spaces crammed together for maximum capacity and minimum convenience. Last night a hipster wannabe in his mid twenties came in and before he even ordered he started raging about the parking.

Hipster Wannabe: “Hey. Do you guys know who owns that monster truck right there?”

My boss looked outside and shook his head. “I sure don’t, why?”

HW: “Because I’m gonna fuck it up on my way out of here.”

At this point I’m a little more interested and I look outside. My boss has a look of “Really? Did you just say that to me?” on his face.

Me: “That truck right there? Yeah, that belongs to the bald woman sitting at the table in front of it.” The woman is, in fact, bald. And large, like a pro wrestler. She also has some very distinguishing facial disfigurement that I won’t go into here. She comes into the store now and then and is a very funny and upbeat person, I assume as a result of her physical and/or medical challenges.

My Boss: “What’s the problem, exactly?”

HW: “She fuckin’ parked that beast over the line so I could barely get in next to it. I’m totally gonna fuck it up on the way out. That’s just her fucking problem.”

I can see my boss is nearing the border of Too Many F-Bombs, so I ask the guy what he’s drinking in an attempt to prevent a full-on train wreck. He tells me his drink and I start making it while my boss rings it up. Meanwhile, Hipster Wannabe is still fuming and keeps looking outside at the truck and the woman. And then…

HW: “Oh. It’s her? Well…hmm. I… yeah. You know, I’ve seen her here before. She’s kinda got a lot of shit going on, right? I should probably just cut her some slack, huh?”

Me: “Well, maybe, yeah. I mean, sure, that’s a big truck and these spaces are pretty small… this kind of thing happens all the time. Maybe she doesn’t know she’s over the line…”

HW: “Now I feel kinda bad about wanting to fuck up her truck…”

What made you decide that to forgive her shitty parking? The fact that she’s missing part of her face or that she’d probably break you in half?

Plus also too: There were at least seven other empty spaces he could have parked in.

We Interrupt This Broadcast…

…to bring you something nice that happened at work:

Today, as Barbara Freakin’ Streisand (yeah, I thought she was dead, too) was crooning on the playlist, I looked up to see a twenty-something couple in line. Dancing. And kissing. Like they might have been out on the town instead of at a coffee shop.

It might have been the sweetest thing I’ve seen on the job, ever. And I thanked them for it when I gave them their drinks.

We now return you to your previously scheduled griping.

Beauty Can’t Erase Stupid

I see a lot of people in my job. It’s actually the main thing I do, seeing people. For a someone like me who loves to observe the human animal in its natural habitat, you might say it’s the perfect job. I’d be hard pressed to disagree with you. On any given day I am likely to see the best and the worst that our species has to offer and, honestly, you people never cease to astound me.

Today I’m gonna talk about stupid, of which there is sadly no shortage in my line of work. Some of my favorite encounters with stupid occur at the drink pick up area. I can’t tell you how many times a day this happens:

Me (setting a drink on the pick up counter): “A Giant Steamed Milk With A Little Bit Of Coffee In It.”

Customer who’s been hovering impatiently and loudly talking on his phone (reaching for the drink, frowning): “This isn’t what I ordered.”

Me: “That’s correct, sir. But it is what the customer ahead of you ordered.”

Protip: If you try to remember what you ordered, you can avoid looking like a complete dipshit. Also, put the goddamned phone away.

Yesterday I was on the bar in the morning as we got into the heart of our morning rush. When we get enough drinks on the bar we usually double-bar, meaning two of us will make drinks together. Barista 1 will make drinks 1, 3, 5, 7, etc., while barista 2 will make drinks 2, 4, 6, 8 and so on. This way the drinks arrive at the pick up area quickly and roughly as ordered. My supervisor was barista 2 so I was the one calling drinks out for pick up. We had probably ten or twelve people lined up waiting to get their drinks and things were moving pretty smoothly, so I knew it was just a matter of time.

I put out a couple of drinks and called them out for pick up, followed closely by another pair. A tall woman walked up and looked at the drinks on the counter.

Tall Woman: “Is this a Generic Coffee Drink?”

Me (looking at the drink in her hand): “Yep, that’s a Largish Generic Coffee Drink With Soy Milk.”

Tall Woman: “Okay. And this?”

Me (looking at the other drink she’s pointing to): “That’s a Giant Iced Really Sweet Coffee Drink. Is that what you ordered?”

At this point I hear my supervisor quietly say “I have her drink right here.” I see that he’s got a Giant Really Sweet Coffee Drink in process, noting that it’s hot, not iced. Tall Woman is picking up the iced drink with an odd expression on her face.

I should note that she’s not unattractive, though not at all the type of woman I’m attracted to. She’s one of those women that certain types of men find attractive and she clearly knows this. She speaks in that kind of baby girl whisper/lisp that guys like that seem to like. In other words, she’s not the sharpest bulb in the toolbox.

She picks up the iced drink and starts to walk away.

Me: “Did you order yours iced? I don’t think that one is yours.”

Tall Woman (smiling): “This is fine.”

Me: “But did you order it iced or hot? I’m pretty sure that one isn’t yours.”

Tall Woman (handing the drink to her boyfriend): “It’s okay, this is fine.” I see her boyfriend looking at the drink, then at her with a “Seriously? Are you really this dumb?” look. He tells her that it’s not his drink.

At this point her actual drink is ready and the customer who’d ordered the iced one has decided to speak up: “Yeah, I ordered an iced one. That’s mine.”

Tall Woman (still, somehow, not getting it): “No, it’s okay. This is fine.”

Me (holding her drink up for her to see): “Yeah, see, you ordered a hot one, right? That one isn’t yours. This one is yours.”

She did finally relinquish the iced drink to its owner and her boyfriend got what he ordered.

Unfortunately for him, he got exactly what he ordered in the girlfriend department, too.

Bits And Bobs

I know what you’re thinking. “That Boochen,” you’re thinking, “is a serious blog-slacker.” And right you are. I throw myself at the feet of my tiny audience and beg mercy. I’ve got no excuse other than sheer laziness.

A few weeks ago, I got not one but two shout-outs from bloggers I like. Who, it would seem, also like me. “Boo,” I said to myself, “you really must post something about that before you forget and a few weeks go by.” Oops. Well, better late than never, right?

First up was Tinman, who listed this blog as one his 15 favorites when he received a Blog Love award from one of his fans. That was awfully nice, as Tinman and I don’t know each other beyond liking each others’ writing. Check him out; he’s a funny guy. And Irish, too.

Then, not even a week later, Geek Ergo Sum (an Englishman) listed me in his “friends who blog” post. He describes my blog as “another blog that combines anger at stupid people (aka the customer) with humour. Again I wish I could a) write this funny and b) as much. There is also a c) I want to know which shop this guy works at and go and be the bestest and politest customer ever.” I’m embarrassed that he wishes he could write “as much” as I do, as I’m clearly not. Writing much. (For the record, if you’re reading this GES, if you’re ever in the upper left corner of the United States, you might wanna be on your best behavior.)

So, thanks guys. I appreciate the recognition, especially from bloggers who inspire me to be better at this stuff. If I were to list other favorites or suggestions, I would say go read Thag’s blog for consistently humorous posts, John’s blog for consistently interesting movie-related posts and Dyson Logos’ blog for some of the coolest role-playing game maps around. And, to round out this list, two very funny women who write better than me. And less often. Don’t Make That Face shares her insane family with the world. And finally, the first blog I found when I came to WordPress, Miz Parker continues to provide the kind of writing I aspire to in my blog, amusing us with her observations of people and the dumb things they do in public.

So that’s about that. Before I go, a short work story:

Customer, wallet in hand and ready to pay: “You take Euros, yes?”

Me: “No, I’m sorry, we don’t.”

Customer, frowning and holding a wad of big white bills out to me: “You don’t take Euros? Really? You don’t?”

Me: “Sorry, our system isn’t set up to take most foreign currency.”

Customer, pulling some other bills from his wallet: “How about British Pounds?”

Me, shaking my head and smiling: “I’m sorry, we don’t. We can take Canadian dollars or, of course, US dollars. But no other foreign currency.”

Customer, looking at me and shaking his head as if I’m just picking on him: “No? How about the Euros? Everyone takes them, yes?”

Me: “I’m sorry, no. Our registers aren’t set up to convert from Euros or Pounds or, really, anything other than Canadian dollars.”

Customer, frowning and sighing heavily: “Really? Are you sure?”

Yeah, you got me. I just don’t want to do it because I don’t like your accent.

Me: “Yeah, really. I know it seems odd, but it’s true. Here in the US, we don’t take Euros. Credit cards work, if you want to use one.”

Customer, still shaking his head like I’m just holding up this long line to torment him: “Fine, I guess. Doesn’t make sense, but if you say so.”

Just so you know, we also don’t take Yen, Pesos, Krona, Francs, Marks, Rupees, Rubles, Lira, Dinars, beads, chickens or daughters.

Return Of The Son Of Spam

I’m sure by now you know I sometimes have fun with spammers, like the woman who wanted me to adopt her bulldog and my good friend Fidelis Okanume, who wanted me to help him embezzle a poopton of money from his boss (the President of Nigeria!). Not too long ago I received the following email from my soon-to-be best friend Mr. M K T Cheung:

From: Mr.M K T Cheung
To: undisclosed-recipients
Subject: Private Message!

Dear Intending Partner

My name is Mr.M K T Cheung, I have a monetary deal for you. If you are interested reply to this message and I will send you the full details and more information about myself and the transaction. My personal email is: Mktcheung@yahoo.cn

Mr.M K T Cheung
Thank you

Now, I don’t know about you, but that just sounds too tempting to pass up. And I really fell for the “Dear Intending Partner” opening. I mean, really. It’s like he knows we’re gonna be BFFs! Naturally, I replied:

From: Boochen
To: mkt.cheung@yahoo.cn
Subject: RE: Private Message!

Hello! And Happy Greetings!

Please do reply and tell me more of the full details of the monetary deal of which you have interested me!

Thanking you profusely and happily!

-Boochen

I worried that might be completely overboard, but I figured he might just chalk it up to me being really really excited at the prospect of his offer.

From: Cheung Mkt [mailto:mkt.cheung@yahoo.cn]
To: Boochen
Subject: Thank you for your response to my email

Hello ,
Thank you for your response to my email and your willingness to partner me in this endeavor, considering the money involved, and due to the nature of this transaction, it is necessary for you to be sure of whom you are transacting with, you can visit our webpage here: ( http://www.hsbc.com/1/2/about/board-of-directors ) and you shall find me among the board of directors. You can also check on my biography from this link as well ( http://www.hsbc.com/1/2/retirement/future-of-retirement/future-of-retirement-press-room ) you can also call our official line +852-282-21111 , but do not talk about this transaction or I may deny knowing you, when you call? ask of Mr.M K T Cheung chairman HSBC and if I’m on sit, then your call shall be transfer to me, what I will want you to do is to abolish the call before I talk because my official line are not secured means to reach me bearing in mind, the nature of this transaction, because they are periodically monitored to assess our level of customer care in line with our Total Quality Management.

Our client BRIGADIER AMER ALI NAYEF, a businessman and also who was with the Iraqi forces, made a fixed deposit, of Twenty Two million Five Hundred Thousand United State Dollars only in my branch, a number of notices was sent to him, before the war which began in 2003 and also after the war but, no response came from him. We later found out that Brigadier Amer Ali Nayef was shot dead along with his son, Khalid Amer also in the force as they left the family home for work in the south of the city.

After more inquiry it was also discovered that the late Brigadier, did not declare any next of kin in his official papers including the paper work of his bank deposit. What bothers me most is according to the laws of my country at the expiration of 8 years the funds will be reverted to the ownership of the Hong Kong Government if nobody comes for the funds, Against this scenery, I have all the information needed to claim these funds and I want you to act as the beneficiary of the deposit, there is no risk involved in this matter, as we are going to adopt a legitimate method and the attorney will prepare all the necessary documents.

All I require is your honest co-operation and I guarantee that this will be executed under a legitimate arrangement that will protect you from any breach of the law. I want to be sure that you are ready, to execute this transaction with me, What I expect from you is trust and commitment, I want this large sum of money transferred with your assistance and you should have nothing to worry about regarding legality AT ALL, because what affects you? Shall also affects me too, considering the paper work we are about to sign together but, I will appreciate you to follow my directives amicably as everything shall be done in accordance passing through all international banking laws, and as a banker I know that if we follow up this transaction diligently it would be completed within 9 working days.

Moreso, please check the following link as well for more details of the death of Brigadier Amer Ali Nayef, http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/middle_east/4160479.stm
I have attached to this mail, an agreement letter which you are to fill and sign, then scan and send it as an attachment via E-mail to me, before the Attorney can go ahead with the preparation of the required documents that shall place you as the sole beneficiary to the funds.

Please reply soonest with the signed agreements letter.

Kind Regards
Mr.M K T Cheung

Of course, this story is completely believable, what with all the phone numbers and links to legitimate banking sites and news stories. Completely different from all those other scams…er, offers.

From: Boochen
To: mkt.cheung@yahoo.cn
Subject: RE: Thank you for your response to my email

Again Hello! And Happy Greetings to you!

I must tell you in confidence I am very excited by this alluring proposal! I have done as you instructed, phoning your office and Terminating the call as it was transferred! I hope you knew when there was no one on the line that it was I who had initiated the transactional contact with you!

I am impatiently and excitedly awaiting your further instructions as I prepare to receive this large sum of money!

Thanking you heartily and thoroughly!

-Boochen

Now, I did lie a little. I never called his office. I also deliberately ignored the form he wanted me to fill out and return to him. Here’s the form, borrowed from another person’s interactions with this scam (note that Mr. MKT Cheung is going by the name Vincent here, though it’s otherwise the exact same form):

Yes, of course this is a totally real legal-type document!

From: Cheung Mkt [mailto:mkt.cheung@yahoo.cn]
To: Boochen
Subject: Dear Friend

Dear Friend

If you want to do this transaction with me please fill and send back the agreement letter for the execution process, before I provide you with further details.

Regards,
I await your urgent response.
Your Brother,
Mr.M K T Cheung

Not really gonna sign that thing, friend, even if we are brothers. But let’s see if I can drag this out a little longer.

From: Boochen
To: mkt.cheung@yahoo.cn
Subject: RE: Dear Friend

Astonishing greetings to you my Friend!

I am prepared to commence with our winning transactional endeavor! Please helpfully submit the document of which you speak, that I may inscribe my details forthwith!

Awaiting your reply with swiftness and excitement!

Oddly enough, my friend and brother simply sent me the same response as before:

From: Cheung Mkt [mailto:mkt.cheung@yahoo.cn]
To: Boochen
Subject: Dear Friend

Dear Friend

If you want to do this transaction with me please fill and send back the agreement letter for the execution process, before I provide you with further details.

Regards,
I await your urgent response.
Your Brother,
Mr.M K T Cheung

Maybe he didn’t know how sad he was making me. Or maybe he didn’t realize I was really serious about our deal. I tried to convey to him the depth of my feelings in one last email.

From: Boochen
To: mkt.cheung@yahoo.cn
Subject: RE: Dear Friend

Melancholious greetings to you, My friend?

Misdisconsolation grows with every passing day! Why do you disengage from our transactional collaboration! I very mostly wish to continue this fraternization with you, yet you withhold from me the very thing you wish me to inform! How am I to proceed? Please, I must have your assistance!

Wetly awaiting your speeding response!

-Boochen

And I continue wetly awaiting…