I see a lot of people in my job. It’s actually the main thing I do, seeing people. For a someone like me who loves to observe the human animal in its natural habitat, you might say it’s the perfect job. I’d be hard pressed to disagree with you. On any given day I am likely to see the best and the worst that our species has to offer and, honestly, you people never cease to astound me.
Today I’m gonna talk about stupid, of which there is sadly no shortage in my line of work. Some of my favorite encounters with stupid occur at the drink pick up area. I can’t tell you how many times a day this happens:
Me (setting a drink on the pick up counter): “A Giant Steamed Milk With A Little Bit Of Coffee In It.”
Customer who’s been hovering impatiently and loudly talking on his phone (reaching for the drink, frowning): “This isn’t what I ordered.”
Me: “That’s correct, sir. But it is what the customer ahead of you ordered.”
Protip: If you try to remember what you ordered, you can avoid looking like a complete dipshit. Also, put the goddamned phone away.
Yesterday I was on the bar in the morning as we got into the heart of our morning rush. When we get enough drinks on the bar we usually double-bar, meaning two of us will make drinks together. Barista 1 will make drinks 1, 3, 5, 7, etc., while barista 2 will make drinks 2, 4, 6, 8 and so on. This way the drinks arrive at the pick up area quickly and roughly as ordered. My supervisor was barista 2 so I was the one calling drinks out for pick up. We had probably ten or twelve people lined up waiting to get their drinks and things were moving pretty smoothly, so I knew it was just a matter of time.
I put out a couple of drinks and called them out for pick up, followed closely by another pair. A tall woman walked up and looked at the drinks on the counter.
Tall Woman: “Is this a Generic Coffee Drink?”
Me (looking at the drink in her hand): “Yep, that’s a Largish Generic Coffee Drink With Soy Milk.”
Tall Woman: “Okay. And this?”
Me (looking at the other drink she’s pointing to): “That’s a Giant Iced Really Sweet Coffee Drink. Is that what you ordered?”
At this point I hear my supervisor quietly say “I have her drink right here.” I see that he’s got a Giant Really Sweet Coffee Drink in process, noting that it’s hot, not iced. Tall Woman is picking up the iced drink with an odd expression on her face.
I should note that she’s not unattractive, though not at all the type of woman I’m attracted to. She’s one of those women that certain types of men find attractive and she clearly knows this. She speaks in that kind of baby girl whisper/lisp that guys like that seem to like. In other words, she’s not the sharpest bulb in the toolbox.
She picks up the iced drink and starts to walk away.
Me: “Did you order yours iced? I don’t think that one is yours.”
Tall Woman (smiling): “This is fine.”
Me: “But did you order it iced or hot? I’m pretty sure that one isn’t yours.”
Tall Woman (handing the drink to her boyfriend): “It’s okay, this is fine.” I see her boyfriend looking at the drink, then at her with a “Seriously? Are you really this dumb?” look. He tells her that it’s not his drink.
At this point her actual drink is ready and the customer who’d ordered the iced one has decided to speak up: “Yeah, I ordered an iced one. That’s mine.”
Tall Woman (still, somehow, not getting it): “No, it’s okay. This is fine.”
Me (holding her drink up for her to see): “Yeah, see, you ordered a hot one, right? That one isn’t yours. This one is yours.”
She did finally relinquish the iced drink to its owner and her boyfriend got what he ordered.
Unfortunately for him, he got exactly what he ordered in the girlfriend department, too.