Monthly Archives: April 2011

Ten Things I Don’t Give A Fuck About

I think–no, I know–I skipped a day this week. I’m not a bad person, just bad at remembering to post something each day. Hell, I’m not that good at remembering what day it is.

Since I’ve got a story I’m still trying to figure out how to tell, I’m gonna stall with a list of ten things I do not give one fuck about. In case you haven’t figured it out yet, there will be coarse language in this post.

1. I don’t give a fuck about weddings on the other side of the world. Shit, I don’t give a fuck about weddings between people I’m actually acquainted with who are within shouting distance. Prince whatshisname and little miss whoever? Don’t. Fucking. Care.

2. I don’t give a fuck about the Oscars, Emmys, Grammies, Golden Globes or any other awards. They have fuck-all to do with my taste in movies, TV and music and thus are a huge waste of time.

3. I don’t give a fuck what anyone is wearing at any of the above-mentioned events.

4. I don’t give a fuck if you want to give a fuck about these things. That’s your business.

10. I don’t give a fuck about numbers 5 – 9.



Filed under *The Coffee Shop Days*, Humor, Just Wow, Music and Entertainment, Oh The Humanity!, Rant

Just A Quickie Before I Go To Work

Yesterday’s post delayed. Stop. Will post now. Stop. Oh yes, that’s good right there. Stop. Don’t stop. Stop. No, keep going. Stop. (telegram sex must have been really difficult).

I meant to post this yesterday:

I check names on credit cards and ask for ID when the customer’s card says “See ID”. I get a lot of “You’re the only one who ever does that” comments. Anyhow, that’s another story. Yesterday, I checked ID on a guy whose name was, not even making this up, Bruce Wayne.

The very next customer, when I asked for her name to put on her cup: Robin.

Pow! Oof!

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Filed under *The Coffee Shop Days*, Humor, Oh The Humanity!

Parking Lot Etiquette

I’ve seen some pretty stupid behavior from drivers. Much of that stupid occurs in parking lots. Here’s a tip: Slow. The. Fuck. Down. There’s a reason it’s called a parking lot and not, for instance, the Autobahn. Once you’re in it, the idea is to park your car someplace near where you’re going so you can then exit the vehicle and walk to that place. It’s during this walking phase where you might begin to understand the importance of operating the vehicle at a reasonable (read: slow) speed for the venue. Or maybe you like the thrill of dodging assholes who like to drive through the parking lot as if they’re on the freeway. I suppose that does make a trip to the grocery store a bit more challenging, as if you’ve returned to a wilder time when just gathering food was a life-threatening adventure.

Me? I’d just as soon you paid attention to your surroundings and understood that there are people walking here. At least pretend like you care about other people’s lives. You sure as shit have a different attitude once you park and have to guide your children the 100 feet from the car to the store without getting run over by the other assholes who drive just like you. But tucked safely inside your urban spaceship with your phone in one hand and the controls in the other, your brain completely disengaged from both your surroundings and the lessons your offspring are learning from you, none of that even enters the equation.

But that’s not actually the story I want to tell today.

The other day as I arrived to work, nearly late due to some unforeseen traffic snarls on the freeway, I came across this odd little display of selfishness. The donation drop for the thrift store near my coffee shop is next to where I park. There are several parking spaces right in front of the donation drop spot; you can pull up and the attendant comes out to help you unload. This is what most people do. Of course, most people are not Ms. Lexus. Ms Lexus had pulled up and parked in the lane meant for driving to an available parking space. Yes. She had parked her SUV in the lane, effectively blocking the two cars parked appropriately in front of the donation drop in addition to three cars parked in the regular spots. Where I intended to park. By the time I arrived, Mrs. Minivan was halfway out of her spot but blocked by Ms. Lexus. I stopped a reasonable distance back so Mrs. Minivan could finish pulling out. Then I noticed Ms. Lexus wasn’t actually in her car. I also noted at this time that two cars had arrived behind me. As I surveyed this scene, looking for Ms. Lexus, I watched as Mrs. Minivan opened her door and leaned out to take a peek. She honked her horn. She looked perturbed. She honked again. She leaned back in and shut the door. She pulled forward a bit and then backed up a bit, still unable to avoid Ms. Lexus’ expensive and shiny car. She stopped and exited her vehicle just about the time the Ms. Lexus emerged from the donation center. They looked at one another and appeared to exchange some words, after which Mrs. Minivan got back into her car.

At this point I assumed we were done waiting and it was only a matter of seconds before we’d be on our way. I was only about a minute from being on time so I had nothing to worry about. Right?

So I watch, stunned, as Ms. Lexus looks around. She looks at Mrs. Minivan, halfway into the lane and ready to go now, please! She looks at me, and at the three cars now behind me. She turns and slowly walks back inside the donation center.

Mrs. Minivan yet again gets out of her car and starts shouting at the empty space where Ms. Lexus had been.  A full minute goes by. Ms. Lexus finally re-emerges from the building. She makes a gesture at Mrs. Minivan and saunters–yes! she sauntered!–back to her car. Twenty feet, maybe twenty-five. Almost a minute to traverse this vast expanse of parking lot to get to her car. She stops to give a Mrs. Minivan a meaningful look before slowly walking to the driver’s side door. She pauses to look back once more before opening the door and climbing inside.

And then she just sits there. For nearly another minute. At this point, I’m more than stunned. I’m late for work. I beep my horn, just in case she doesn’t realize there are more people involved here than just the old woman who is apparently the Hatfield to her McCoy. She continues to sit there. Mrs. Minivan gets out of her car one more time and slaps Mr. Lexus’ tail light just as a person might slap the hindquarters of a horse to get it moving.

Strangely enough, it worked.

As Mrs. Minivan pulled out of her space I watched Ms. Lexus race out of the parking lot, suddenly in a hurry.


Filed under *The Coffee Shop Days*, Oh The Humanity!, Rant

Eff Chuck Norris

I’m amazed that people still think ever thought Chuck Norris jokes (and I use the term “jokes” loosely) were funny.

Chuck Norris is so tough, he’s like, really tough. Shit, I remember when Chuck Norris wasn’t a joke, and even then he was pretty lame.

In communist Russia, foot kicks Chuck Norris. Or something. I kinda do like the communist Russia meme. Silly me.

Having said all that, allow me to introduce you to what just might be my new favorite blog: Dads: The Original Hipsters.

Naturally, I’m probably so late to that party that it’s not cool anymore.


Filed under *The Coffee Shop Days*, Humor

Happy Easter!

In honor of the day, Etta and I had chocolate eggs and bunnies. Then she made a lovely roasted asparagus soup, though I’m not sure how that ties in to Easter, exactly. While we ate, we watched a movie in which a powerful man gathers some followers, visits a city of corruption*, is crucified, rises from the dead and finally leads thousands of people away from their pagan rituals.


Conan The Barbarian.

*I never noticed the dude fucking a lama before. Um. Whoa.


Filed under *The Coffee Shop Days*, Humor, Music and Entertainment, Oh The Humanity!

Maybe I Will Post Today After All.

I felt bad about not posting something of substance today just because I’m sick. True, the mancold video, starring Nick Frost as me, was funny and all. But I feel like I’ve let my tiny readership down somehow.

I don’t follow a lot of blogs, but a few of you have captured my attention. I am always looking for more bloggers who dazzle me with their stories and/or interesting ideas. Sadly, I keep finding the ones that made me write this post. I won’t give up, but it’s frightening how many people don’t proofread or spell check.

Anyhow, I want to share some things from bloggers I like since I’m kinda not feeling super creative at the moment.

Gringita posed a couple of interesting questions this week about time, how you see it and how it feels. Check out her adventures in the laundry room while you’re over there.

I’m a bit of a geek for RPGs, spending probably too much time playing Dungeons & Dragons Online. I also like playing the pen and paper version with friends on occasion, so when I discovered Dyson’s RPG blog I was intrigued. When I saw his hand-drawn maps I was sold.

Speaking of geeks, I’ve really been enjoying geekergosum. This post on the 2012/end of the world question contains a video of sheer awesome.

I would be remiss if I didn’t mention two very funny blogger chicks (can I say “chicks”?) I’ve discovered.  I’ve mentioned Miz Parker’s blog, before. She is funny and observant and you are dumb if you don’t check her out. She blogged about irrational fears this week.

Don’t Make That Face is consistently funny and irreverent, two things I really appreciate in a person. This post about her father-in-law cracked me right up.

Finally, Thag writes about his family, religion, invisible friends, and a whole lot of other stuff, too. And he’s often very good at it.

So there you have it. Some of the good shit I’m reading in WordPressland. Who do you like or, rather, what am I missing?


Filed under *The Coffee Shop Days*, Oh The Humanity!

No Post Today

Except for this one, I mean.

I’m sick, you see.

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Filed under *The Coffee Shop Days*, Humor