Hydration Is Weird


My body does the opposite of what I think it should sometimes. For example, if you’re dehydrated don’t you think it makes sense to turn off the sweat to conserve moisture? My body apparently doesn’t think so.

Yes, I know: Drink more water. As an out of shape middle-aged man in a busy retail environment, I really should know better. So there I was, making drinks like crazy and getting just a little bit overheated. It’s warm in the store to begin with, but once I start steaming milk and generally being active (read: doing more than just standing there punching buttons on the register screen) I get really warm. Like hot. And sweaty. It starts with just a little glisten on my forehead but soon becomes actual sweat running down my face. It’s kinda gross.

I usually get in control of it before it gets out of hand. I know drinking some water will help almost right away so once I realize “Oh hey! Dehydrated. Duh!” I will fix it with a cup of the cold stuff.

H2o. I know the recipe.

Today, I was just busy enough that I didn’t have time. When I finally got a chance, I chugged a 16 ounce cup of cold water. And then another. And then another. Then I went back to work, feeling much better already. Within a few minutes, my core temperature had come down to a more workable level and the sweaty head dried up. All was well.

Until a couple of hours passed and I suddenly realized “Damn. I have to pee.” Naturally, we were pretty busy at that point and there was no time. Ten or fifteen minutes later, I told my supervisor “Dude, I’m gonna pee my pants.” Yes, it was a small exaggeration but I didn’t expect him to just chuckle and walk away. Which he did. Fifteen minutes later, I was actually starting to feel pain. Like, I need to pee. Now. So I mentioned it to him again.

“Dude, seriously. I need to pee.”

This time it seemed to sink in. “Oh! I thought you were just joking last time. Gimme a sec to finish this and then go.”

I turned back to help the next customer and I swear he must have heard me. He shifted into slow motion and calmly, deliberately and slowly ordered 5 items. And then, almost as an afterthought, asked for a small bag to put them in. Which we had none of at the register. I said I’d be right back and my coworker helpfully said “Oh, I can get it!”

“No!” I said, already on my way. “I need to keep moving!”

At this point my supervisor is practically on the floor laughing.

I finished with my customer and quickly made my way to the restroom for one of the most relieving pees I’ve ever had. Click here for a reenactment.  (Can’t embed it and it’s cut short, but you get the idea).

Lessons learned: Drink plenty of water. But not all at once.

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2 Comments

Filed under *The Coffee Shop Days*, Humor, Oh The Humanity!

2 responses to “Hydration Is Weird

  1. I’m Scottish (largely), so any exertion at all causes my skin to turn deep, bright red and me to sweat like a pig. It’s not especially attractive.

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