Spam: It’s Not Just For Breakfast


Like most of us, I get a bit of spam in one or two of my in-boxes.  I could just kill off those email addresses altogether, but there’s a certain entertainment value there, so I keep them active. Occasionally I will reply to a particularly interesting spam just to see what might happen. Sometimes it’s pretty funny.

I get more than enough ads for the usual male sexual enhancement medications and, of course, Nigerian officials attempting to contact me about a large sum of money I am due. And many white Christian women living in Africa or Texas who want to give me a fuckton of cash to carry on God’s work. But this one was different.

This one wanted me to adopt a bulldog.

From: Patricia
To: undisclosed-recipients

Sorry for contacting you this way, I got your email online searching for a good home that will adopt my English Bulldog “Presley”. Actually I have not be able to contact you, due to the terrible situation I have been through, my dearest husband had a terrible car accident and has been in coma for some months now, and this was the main reason I needed a good home for Presley so I could be able to concentrate with the care of my husband. Few weeks ago I finally lost my dear husband, and now I have to contact you to know if you are still interested in adoption my little Presley cos I need to give him a good home so i could move on with my life. Presley is just a fabulous and exquisite English bulldog with lots of baby bullies wrinkles!,stocky with short legs,heavy bone,awesome mass and wide chest,excellent temperament,with a lifetime of love and wrinkles. He is very current on his vaccinations and de-worming and will come with full AKC registration for show or responsible breeding. Pls do get back to me via rmp

From: Me
To: Patricia

I love bulldogs! Is it still available?

From: Patricia
To: Me

The major reason I am giving him out for adoption have already been stated in my previous email to you. I love him so much and I have put in so much to make him happy. So I would be needing a real pet lover with a good heart, someone that would be able to afford vet-visit and dedications. He is currently 14 weeks old, very friendly, good with kids and other animals too, he weight 5-6lbs and is expected to weight 56lbs when fully grown up. He has already been potty trained with excellent temperament and he has not been fixed for any reason. I am giving him out at the cost of $200. We live here in the state and from the research I made I found out that I would have a puppy shipped at the cost of $197. Hence to adopt and ship the baby would cost $397. Kindly let me know your status regarding the adoption, also where exactly are you located?

Sincerely.
Patricia

From: Me
To: Patricia

What have you been feeding him?

From: Patricia
To: Me

Presley feed on bone meals, he also take yougurts. Thank you.

From: Me
To: Patricia

I don’t recall how big you said he was. I’m trying to figure out how many steaks there would be.

From: Patricia
To: Me

what do you mean? I don’t understand.

From: Me
To: Patricia

I’m wondering how big he is so I can estimate how many steaks there will be when he’s butchered. Do you do the butchering, or will I have to make other arrangements? For the price you’re asking, I’m assuming you handle all that.

Some time went by and I hadn’t heard from Patricia, so I sent her a tickler.

From: Me
To: Patricia

I am still interested in this dog.

From: Patricia
To: Me

The major reason I am giving him out for adoption have already been stated in my previous email to you. I love him so much and I have put in so much to make him happy. So I would be needing a real pet lover with a good heart, someone that would be able to afford vet-visit and dedications. He is currently 14 weeks old, very friendly, good with kids and other animals too, he weight 5-6lbs and is expected to weight 56lbs when fully grown up. He has already been potty trained with excellent temperament and he has not been fixed for any reason. I am giving him out at the cost of $200. We live here in the state and from the research I made I found out that I would have a puppy shipped at the cost of $197. Hence to adopt and ship the baby would cost $397. Kindly let me know your status regarding the adoption, also where exactly are you located?

Sincerely.
Patricia

From: Me
To: Patricia

Wonderful, just wonderful! So, how much does this dog weigh? What have you been feeding it?

From: Patricia
To: Me

He weight 5-6lbs and is expected to weigh 56lbs when fully grown up, I told you before that he feed on bone meals.

From: Me
To: Patricia

Oh yeah, right… sorry about that. I’m trying to adopt so many dogs right now, I forget who I’ve already talked to.

The way I see it, if he only weighs about 6 lbs now, that’s like, maybe, four six-ounce cuts of meat, if that. Probably less, but at his age they’d be really tender so I suppose I can sacrifice quantity for quality…. but your price is pretty high, even if you handle the butchering.

Any chance you can come down on the price a little?

I never heard back from her. I guess she adopted him out to someone else.

Advertisements

1 Comment

Filed under *The Coffee Shop Days*, Humor

One response to “Spam: It’s Not Just For Breakfast

  1. Pingback: Son Of Spam | Think You Used Enough Dynamite There?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s